Strange Funny World » Jokes

I can make that in one shot – Joke

chris — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 19:18:03 +0000

Two buddies are hunting in the woods when one says to the other, “Hey, I can see your house from here and,wait! Your wife is in her room with some other guy”.

The other says: “Alright, shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the privates.”

The buddy replies: “Easy. I can make that in one shot.”

The smart-ass goes to heaven: Joke

chris — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and a smart-ass, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher stepped forward first, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings”. With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Smart ass then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.”The Devil did just that.

The Smart ass then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the Smart-ass, “it’s from my ass hole.”
And the Smart-ass went to Heaven.

The Homeless Woman (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 16:45:00 +0000

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?”, the woman
asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping”, the homeless woman said, “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?”, the
woman then asked.

“Are you NUTS?!”, replied the homeless woman, “I haven’t
had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well”, said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight”.

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine”.

The question the Lawyers should never had asked! (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 14:45:00 +0000

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared
for the answer!
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.”

What’s the Meaning of… Potentially and Realistically? (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 17:53:56 +0000

A little boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Johnny Depp and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 17:27:55 +0000

Henry McQuay wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Henry is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.

He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Henry had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Henry sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Lisa”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Henry asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

The Policeman Pulls a Wise Guy Over (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 16:49:13 +0000

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

The Boasting Pirate’s Explanation (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 17:30:29 +0000

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye-patch.
The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye-patch?”

“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

How to Act When Your Husband’s in a Drunken State (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:30:30 +0000

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

The Indian and The Ventriloquist Cowboy (Joke)

Alan Pégoli — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 17:38:48 +0000

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his pad.
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, how’s it going?

Dog: Doin’ all right.

Indian: [Extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How’s he treating you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how’s it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How’s he treating you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep lie!