The other says: “Alright, shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the privates.”

The buddy replies: “Easy. I can make that in one shot.”

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher stepped forward first, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings”. With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Smart ass then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.”The Devil did just that.

The Smart ass then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the Smart-ass, “it’s from my ass hole.”
And the Smart-ass went to Heaven.

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?”, the
woman then asked.

“Are you NUTS?!”, replied the homeless woman, “I haven’t
had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well”, said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight”.

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine”.

Cowboy: Hey dog, how’s it going?

Dog: Doin’ all right.

Indian: [Extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How’s he treating you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how’s it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How’s he treating you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep lie!

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, “We’ll take all three of them”. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it”.

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, “I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register”.

The husband says, “No, no, no, honey, we’re not going to buy all this stuff”. The wife face goes blank.

“No, honey; I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while”.

Her face gets really red; she is about to explode and then the husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”

The blonde that owned the Mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, “Hurry up, it’s starting to rain and the top’s down!”

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body.

The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out back out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered to start over again.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes?’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

The priest then says
“Go home, squeeze 5 lemons in a glass and drink it as fast as you can.”

“and i will be forgiven?” asks the man

“No” the priest says. “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”